GOODBYE 2010, welcome 2011!

Well, here we are, New Year's Eve, 2010.  Looking back on this year I have had some of my highest highs, including some amazing travel opportunities (Japan, Maui, Napa Valley, Central California Coast, Disneyland), as well as the lowest lows of my life (being diagnosed with cancer and dealing with other health issues).  It's been a roller coaster ride to say the very least, and if there is one thing that I have learned from all of this, it is that you just never know what life is going to bring you, and that you must roll with the punches.

This past week I had yet another lesson from the school of Go With the Flow.  If you have been following my journey, you will remember that back in March, my doctors had discovered that I had cysts on one of my ovaries, which we were monitoring every three months via ultrasound.  My doctor didn't seem to be concerned until I had my third ultrasound in September (after having been diagnosed with lymphoma in August).  The cyst had grown larger and more complex, and additional smaller cysts had appeared as well. She told me she wanted to do surgery to remove them, but of course I would need to get through my cancer treatment first.  I was devastated to learn that on top of everything else, I was going to have to go through yet another surgery, and have an even longer recovery time.

As you know, I completed my initial cancer treatment in mid-November with much success (thank God!) and we had scheduled my surgery to remove my ovarian cysts on January 7th, 2011.  I had decided that I would wait to return to work until after my surgery because it just didn't make sense to go back to work for three weeks and put myself through all that stress, only to have to leave again.  So in preparation for my January surgery, I had one more scheduled ultrasound right before Christmas, and then my pre-op appointment with my doctor this past Tuesday, December 28.  This surgery has been looming in the distance, and I've been all geared up for it, and mentally prepared to go in, get this taken care of, and put it behind me.

Well, once again my expectations were flipped upside down as we learned that the ultrasound results revealed that the large cyst that my doctor had been so concerned about had actually become significantly smaller.  My doctor told me that she would feel comfortable holding off on the surgery for now, and following up with another ultrasound in three months to monitor if we see continued improvement.  Now, this would indeed seem like very good news, right?  However, at that moment, this was the last thing I wanted to hear.  I had been mentally and emotionally preparing myself for this surgery for months, and all I wanted to do was get it over with and put it behind me.  I didn't want to postpone my medical uncertainty.  Gavin, my voice of logic and reason, was with me at this appointment.  He felt very passionately that if my doctor didn't feel that surgery was urgently needed, we should definitely not proceed, but I was not so sure.  He felt that postponing could be most beneficial, especially considering that if we waited and saw continued improvement, I may not even need to have surgery at all.  My doctor remained very neutral, and encouraged me to do what was best for me.  She understood my desire to just stick with the plan and move ahead with the surgery to put it behind me and find out what was causing these cysts, but she also said that she was OK with waiting to see if my condition continued to improve.

I felt extremely confused and emotional.  Canceling my surgery had implications that I just was not prepared to deal with yet--the biggest one being returning to work, which in my mind was at some nebulous point in the future... maybe the end of January, the beginning of February... we'll see how my recovery would go.  But without surgery, I would have no reason not to go back, and the thought of going back so much sooner than I had expected--like, in a week!-- was utterly terrifying...  Dealing with stress and responsibility again, having to get up early, make lunches and put on decent clothes and make-up everyday... Fielding questions from students, parents, co-workers...  These are all just things I am NOT looking forward to.  In addition, the thought of watching and waiting and postponing my medical issues was so frustrating to accept--I wanted to have these damn cysts OUT of my body.  I wanted to be done with my medical problems from 2010 and move on with my life.  The fact is, I still *might* have to have surgery a few months down the line.  It SUCKS not knowing what's going to happen.  The doctor gave us a few minutes to ourselves to talk over our decision, and after shedding my fair share of tears, I accepted Gavin's logic, knowing in my head this was the right choice, but emotionally I struggled immensely.

After this appointment, I went home and continued to have my biggest breakdown yet.  I cried all day long, just reflecting on all that I have been through these past few months, processing the decision I had made, and releasing all the emotions I was feeling--frustration, anger, apprehension, confusion, relief.  The next day I felt a thousand times better and was ready to move forward.  I know that ultimately not having surgery is a very good thing, and that returning to work and regaining my normal life and routine will feel most rewarding, once I get over that initial hump of the transition.

I am very much looking forward to raising my glass of champagne tonight at midnight, and saying GOODBYE to 2010, and welcoming 2011 with open arms and an open heart.  I know I have some very important resolutions to keep this year, beginning with a focus on good health and a plan to lose 30 pounds.  For good!  Even more importantly, however, I am resolving to live for the moment, and appreciate the blessings that life has to offer, especially the love and support of family and friends, because you just never know what will happen next.

Happy New Year to all of you, and I wish you much love, happiness and GOOD HEALTH in 2011!!

Our happy little family!  Here's a portrait from Christmas Eve.
We have so much to be thankful for,
and Santa was indeed good to us this year!